Tonight, I finally started to comb through all the old photos on my previous Facebook account to find the ones I wanted to save from my marriage. To say torture is giving the whole thing a bit of a slap on the hand. My ex-wife had taken so many pictures during holidays, during birthdays, and it was very, very hard to wade through without just scrolling past quickly in hopes I didn’t see something that could make me pause and feel some sort of guilt.
Yes, I said guilt. I’m not feeling guilty for doing what was best for me, but I do feel like I have some guilt over what I have done to the current states of her and the kids lives. Sitting with that starts to eat away at me so trying to scroll tons of pictures from 5 years worth of a relationship made my heart sink.
While I managed through the whole thing, while doing so I kept myself thinking.
I saw images before and after this relationship and the wheels started to turn in my head. What I could be and what I have been stood side by side for but a moment, and at that moment I realized that each relationship, each spiral down, I let go a piece of the bad qualities in me. Each piece that I left behind were like heavy armor that had been weighing me down for God knows how long. I watched as the weight that was lumped onto my shoulders being lifted by unmeasurable amounts but it is always an obvious decrease in weight.
Each relationship has taught me something that made me stronger, made me wiser, and with this last one, more responsible. Each granted me something I would have never had before and I would have never gained if I didn’t get into the relationship in the first place. While realizing this, it has allowed me to see just what I’ve let go of and this gives me freedom.
Freedom To Repeat Mistakes
I know, I know. I didn’t just get out of a bad relationship to make the same tried and true mistakes I’ve done for many years before. Yet, I can feel my body aching to make the same problems over again. Currently, I am in a funk, with all this new found free time, I have no idea what to do with myself. During waking hours of others, I seem to sit and just muddle through the random posts on Facebook or Instagram. Hoping to find something to laugh at for 5 and a half seconds before feeling bored again but unable to think of something to do.
I stare at the limited books on my shelf and just shrug. I see my laptop and think I could Photoshop something funny and yet I have no idea. The only moments I feel even focused or aware of things I could do are when I am surrounded by friends.
Which kinda defeats the whole learn to be yourself schtick doesn’t it? Or maybe I am just missing something, but tonight was kind of eye opening. I still have way too damn far to go to get better, I have a list of things I want to just this year alone, which some might not get done within that time frame but I am growing and I can see just what has changed in me. Hopefully I can keep myself from falling back into the worst of my old habits.