I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus the past few weeks due to a whole hell of a lot of personal issues. To those of you not within certain circles of mine or not connected on my social networking sites, you might be a bit in the dark.
For the span of months, I have been emotionally fighting against a fuckton of existential crisis like thoughts. Sitting in my car in the middle of the night, not wanting to go home, not wanting to talk to the family I had at home. All the while the family I had made at work had been coaching me to do what was best for me, to finally stop being miserable.
So 2 weeks ago (I think, it’s all kinda blurred together), I finally did it. I did what needed to be done for the better, no matter how much it hurt me and those involved.
I am getting a divorce
My marriage was not always bad. At least not that I was aware of, it was only in the last year that all my true issues became problems within it. I became aware that I was no longer in love with my ex-wife, though I loved her as a person, I cared but I also knew that staying in the situation that made me unhappy, that made all my creativity, my sanity, and my energy.
It wasn’t easy on her or her/my family. I’ve been essentially blacklisted from seeing the kids, and in all fairness I guess it makes sense. They had already been through 2 fathers, each biological father for the kids basically dipped out and left her to take care of them. Having me around, the beacon of fatherhood once again broken standing as a reminder would be difficult on everybody.
I have been living with my mom since I moved out, started the divorce paper process (as of today), and started planning a future in which I get to live my own life. If I am being honest, I have never been myself. I never give myself the chance to learn what I would do on my own. I always find myself taking to significant others who cross my path and pretty much demand my attention. As someone who has always had this weird complex of uncertainty, someone wanting my attention has always been a crutch I will lean on instantly.
Obviously, repeating these mistakes for most of my adulthood would make finding some sort of identity is a daunting task. It also has made it harder to keep the relationships I have healthy and good for both parties. I want any future relationships, romantic or otherwise, healthy, happy, and enjoyable. I don’t want my emotions eventually petering out after 5 years before realizing that I had so many red flags in which warned me to get out at the beginning. I don’t want to believe I can’t keep a relationship. I can’t think that way if I am going to be able to recover mentally.
I may be talking super iradically but this, honestly, I’m writing this not just as an update but for catharsis. I’ve been spending the passing days since New Year’s just in a funk, realizing I have this time on my hands and no idea how to use it since, well I never had the chance before. Also because I’ve been sick and that usually drains my body completely.
The long and short of it guys is… well I am going through a very difficult adjustment period. I will probably either be in and out of existence or I will be full force for months before I burn out. I have to get the right formula down and as I’ve never been divorced before I have a whole new set of rules I will be learning. So bare with me, leave me some support, or keep playing Fortnite and not paying attention.
Either way, I’m back for the moment and thank you for the