It’s always a hard decision, deleting previous data.
I know, and apologize for the lack of content here as of late. I’m aware I’ve gone from a basic amount of posting to a whole lot during E3, and then NONE for weeks. I… I have no words, no reason as to why this turn of events happens but all I can say is I’m sorry.
I feel I have been holding onto the past a bit too much as of late, a name, a group, and an idea that some old friends who have long been distant could be brought back to life with a Phoenix Down (not a nudge at Phoenix Overdrive, but hey fits in well doesn’t it?) I’ve held onto the idea that I could keep the past alive again and again because, well it was frankly comfortable to keep the past alive. It kept hope alive that the brave, adventurous move I made right before I graduated High School. To bring people together, one console at a time.
Respawn Point, I bought a business license, I gathered a semi reliable team, and I had friends believing in me as a leader for the first time in a long time. The nostalgia of those days brings me both joy and pain but it was something I wanted to keep burning inside of me. To Respawn, the idea of coming back from the brink again, and again gave a sense of dedication, purpose.
It shouldn’t make sense, but it does. But as of last night it dawned on me… I’m blocking myself from doing anything, doing something bigger than myself. It occurred in a dream, a dream where I was playing a role of someone who I knew had other worldly powers but try as I might, I couldn’t use any of them. I was mentally aware I should have been able to fly, to fire energy from my hands, teleport, and so on, and yet I was limited. It was as if I was still awake, role playing in public, though everyone was playing along.
I practically live in my imagination, I image me or characters I’d create for games/stories being super powerful, doing amazing feats that shouldn’t be possible. They are vivid, they are life-like, and yet my dreams continue to live in a world of limitations.
Then it hit me… I’m holding myself back, it’s not mental, or rather it’s not all mental. My writing has been stilted and forced because I was willingly holding myself back. I hated what I posted multiple times these past few posts. It didn’t seem like me, like I was being blocked by something bigger, and I chose not to like inward as to why the hell I’ve been so stagnante. Part of me, a rather large part, lived directly in the past and was happy with just staying there. Denying myself a future and a present because I was too ashamed to admit I failed.
Before writing this, I had pent the past few days trying to work up a logo for Respwn Point so I could revive a Facebook page. I visited that page today as well. What I realized on both projects I couldn’t enjoy or focus on either. It was fucking unnerving. I stared so long at a Photoshop screen, I toyed with an image that I started to feel disgust with. I saw a page that a year after I stopped posting on it, had me come back admitting to the same failure of departure but trying once again to keep it alive.
I failed at something that meant the world to me and now I openly admit that I failed but in doing so, I know that even admitting that wont do a damn thing unless I let it go. Let the past die, as Kylo Ren would say. To do so isn’t a horrible thing. If I choose to just let go of the fact that I didn’t accomplish what I did, but I can grow from what I learn, I can be better. I can break through this ridiculous mental block that I’m putting on myself and grow.
Maybe by finally accepting this damnable failure and moving away from it, I can start all the things I’ve been dying to start. Youtube, streaming, group projects, and so.
So from tonight (or when my payment for the domain Respwn Point falls off), Respwn Point has to be laid to rest. It is time to set down he controller and pass it one to Player 2. Or Player 3. Whoever, or whatever, I decide to be, which is just myself, the floor is now open for the a new high score. And hopefully now I can hold a consistent post schedule. Maybe I’ll have new ideas, a breath of life blowing across the keys.
And now, I am starting to ramble, but thank you to all of you who took the time to read this and those of you who accept this confession and who will stick by me for the next chapter.