So if you read my post before last, you’d know one thing about me…
I have never pursued my dreams/goals very hard, due to anxiety or depression. I have held myself back, knowingly, because I feel somehow I wont succeed nor have the energy to keep failing upwards till I finally get it right.
Starting today off pretty down right? But I feel like this entry has an upside. Just stay with me for a moment and just nod and smile for a bit. I promise it will pick up. But every journey has ups and downs, sometimes you just have to wade through the bad times to get the glorious goodies on the good side.
I used to have drive, the want to do a bunch of radical things. All in the name of video games, if you can believe that. I wanted to write for a gaming magazine, start doing website building, open a game store, and hell even be a game designer or writer. Over the years, I added in successful podcaster, and just kinda a promoter of the good side of gaming in general.
Each one of these fell to the wayside for some reason or another, the game designer/writer ended right after I graduated high school and got told I was “Not smart enough”. I was already in a deeply dark depression, lost after the end of high school with no signs of things going up so I let that person get in my head, and end the dream early on.
The others, I would assume they draw from that first dream dying, the anxiety and loss just piling on after years and years.
Though, there is always a small glimmer of hope, of drive laying just under the surface and it dawned on me on hour 3 of 5 of watching Markiplier playing the latest Five Nights At Freedy’s game, Ultimate Custom Night. Yeah I stayed up all night watching a previous stream from a day ago of him trying to beat certain criteria within the jump scare simulator.
While I’ve probably said, he personally gives me hope for the future, usually when he has uplifting streams, or comments to the community. But this time around I realized I was living my life through people like him, discussing or playing random games, talking to people, and just generally acting like a goofball. So many things remind me of me, like as if they are my doppelgangers and I’m watching from a universe in which something changed for the worse instead of the better. Odd similarities here and there that make me realize we were alike.
Millions of people like and support youtube gamers like Mark and they are just as weird as I’ve ever been. The only real difference between us is, well they have about a 6 year headstart, which was around the time Youtube gamers took off, that and the equipment to record, to edit, etc. I guess maybe I also am missing being personally liked by a bunch of people or at least likable in general.
BUUUUUT the silver lining to the whole realization is that I have a chance at reaching my dreams, I’m just lacking certain things, certain items, certain mindsets, but these seem attainable, somewhere down the road. I mean there are people like me out there, that people actually enjoy following. The odd quirks, weird vocal sounds (I love to do random voices and noises, always been a thing), and just all around strange people. It also means that, if I start working for towards it now, I might be able to make something of my goals in life.
Which I’m always up for anyone to keep me in check, as it were, or I’m up for reaching out and helping people who could use a boost in confidence when it comes to keeping them focused on their dreams. Even if it’s just a push in the right direction, a confidence booster, or a “hey, keep up the work man”, I’m up for getting and giving all of those.
I know how crushing life can be sometime, I know if you have dreams, that staying on track when life gets you down can be very, very hard to get back up. Which I’m thankful I’m starting to find my way to the happier side of all this haze and funk. I hope this time it stays long enough for me to make a difference.